A healthy marriage is not about two people becoming enmeshed in each other's lives to the point of losing their individual identities. Instead, it’s about two individuals navigating their own paths of growth while moving closer together. Think of it as climbing a mountain of intimacy—each partner starts at a different base and works toward the same summit. The beauty lies in how the distance between you naturally shrinks as both of you focus on climbing your own path.
But here's the twist many of us struggle with—you can't climb your partner's side of the mountain for them. No matter how much you nag, criticize, or try to control their steps, all you'll do is sabotage your own progress. Sound familiar? If so, you're not alone. Let's break this idea down.
Marriage is a Mountian
Picture your marriage as a mountain or triangle. You're on one side, your partner is on the other, and the peak represents a thriving, intimate relationship. The only way up is to focus on your own growth—your thoughts, habits, emotions, and behaviors. The more self-responsible you are, the more you grow. And as you grow, you naturally move closer to the peak, which also means closer to your partner.
But what happens when you ignore your path and start micromanaging your partner's climb? You stop moving. Maybe you criticize their pace, try to carry their burdens, or push them into a direction they don’t want to go. Not only do you stagnate, but you also frustrate your partner, making the climb even more difficult for both of you. And here's the truth—when you're so focused on their growth, you're neglecting your own.
Clinical psychologist Dr. David Schnarch explains this in his groundbreaking book Passionate Marriage, where he introduces the concept of "differentiation." Differentiation is the ability to balance your connection to your partner while maintaining a strong sense of self. It's about owning your feelings, choices, and actions without offloading emotional responsibility onto your spouse. Essentially, differentiation allows you to climb your side of the mountain without trying to drag your partner up with you.
Why Focusing on Yourself Strengthens the Marriage
On the surface, focusing on yourself might sound selfish, but it's quite the opposite. By tending to your own emotional and personal growth, you bring your healthiest, most evolved self to the relationship. This creates a ripple effect that strengthens the marriage as a whole. Here's how...
1. Personal Responsibility Fosters Trust
When you take responsibility for your own emotions, you're no longer placing the burden of your happiness, anger, or insecurity on your partner. Trust me, there's nothing more freeing in a relationship than knowing someone loves you but doesn’t rely on you to “fix” them. It's a clear message that you respect them enough to stand on your own two feet—and that’s magnetic.
2. Releasing Control Creates Space for Freedom
Trying to control your partner's growth only leads to resentment. Instead, trusting them to find their own footing allows them to grow at their own pace, in their own way. Paradoxically, that's when they're most likely to start climbing faster. Why? Because the best growth is self-motivated—not tied to someone else's expectations.
3. Clarity in Conflict
When you prioritize your growth, you naturally learn to self-soothe and reflect before reacting. This means fewer heated arguments and more productive conversations. You're able to ask yourself, "Do I want to be right, or do I want the relationship?" That clarity can be a game changer.
4. You Become More Capable of Supporting Your Partner
When you're not weighed down by your unresolved issues, you're better equipped to support your partner in an empathetic and constructive way. This doesn't mean solving their problems—it means being there for them without losing sight of your own path.
But What If My Partner Isn’t Interested in Growth?
This is one of the hardest situations to face. If your partner isn’t willing to climb their side of the mountain, no amount of effort on your part will get them to the summit. That’s a bitter pill to swallow, but it’s the truth. However, your own growth isn’t wasted. By focusing on your own path, you become healthier, stronger, and wiser—better prepared for whatever comes next, whether that's repairing the relationship or moving on.
Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend touch on this in their book Boundaries in Marriage. They emphasize that while you can't force your partner to change, you can set boundaries that protect your emotional well-being. Growth is always beneficial, even if it doesn't save the relationship.
Practical Tips for Climbing Your Side of the Mountain
Self-Reflection: Take time to understand your triggers, patterns, and beliefs. Journaling or working with a therapist can help uncover areas where you need to grow.
Set Personal Goals: Identify what growth means for you. It could be improving communication skills, learning to set boundaries, or managing stress more effectively.
Resist the Urge to Control: When you feel the urge to criticize or fix your partner, pause and redirect that energy toward your own development.
Celebrate Small Wins: Growth is a slow and steady process. Acknowledge your progress, no matter how small.
Seek Support: Surround yourself with friends, mentors, or a community that values self-improvement and healthy relationships.
Note: Avoid friends or family who, in the name of love, enable harmful behaviors or fail to hold you accountable when you're in the wrong.
For more on this click here for my article on Toxic Empathy.
Final Thoughts
Marriage isn’t about becoming two halves of one whole—it’s about becoming two whole people who choose to create one life together. Differentiated growth is the key. Climbing your own side of the mountain might be challenging, but the rewards are worth it. You grow. Your partner grows. And together, you create a marriage built on trust, mutual respect, and genuine intimacy.
After all, the strongest relationships aren’t those without challenges, but those where both partners are committed to overcoming them—individually and together. Keep climbing. You’re stronger than you think.
Comments