All The Little Lies That Destroy Your Marriage
- Eddie Eccker, MS, LMFT
- Apr 7
- 10 min read
Updated: 4 days ago
Marriage is a beautiful union of two souls, or at least it should be—but, let’s be honest, it is a daily tug-of-war between two stubborn humans trying to coexist. When you’re at the altar, heart pounding, reciting those vows of "for better or for worse," it’s almost laughable how your brain completely glosses over the "worse," isn’t it? You don’t picture the arguments over dishes or the quiet standoffs after a bad day. Nope, you’re imagining the "better"—the endless joy, the cozy nights in, the unshakable bond that makes you feel like you’ve hacked life. And honestly, who wouldn’t? But those vows aren’t just pretty words. They’re a reminder that the "bad times" are part of the deal too, and maybe, just maybe, that’s where the real growth happens.
And then life shows up. Not with a big dramatic moment, but with something smaller, quieter. Lies. Not the big, obvious kind, but the sneaky ones—the ones you tell yourself or each other about how things don’t really need fixing or how this little problem isn't even a problem, and doesn’t really matter. They creep in unnoticed, like weeds between the cracks of a sidewalk, like a wolf in sheep's clothing, and before you know it, they’re shifting the ground under your feet.
Here’s the hard truth: marriage takes work. Real, unglamorous, sometimes frustrating work, and it has always been and will always be this way. But here’s the good news—you can stop the erosion before it starts. It’s about catching those lies early, calling them out, and choosing to protect what you promised to care for. Because the "better" and the "worse" are both part of the deal, but how you handle the "worse" determines just how sweet the "better" can be.
These lies aren’t loud or obvious—they’re sneaky as hell, probably from there too. These lies are the kind that slip under the radar disguised as “common sense” or “just the way things are.” They seem harmless, even logical at first glance. But, they quietly push us away from the messiness of commitment and love, nudging us toward self-absorption, frustration, and, let’s be honest, an unflattering amount of scrolling alone on our phones at 1 a.m. The real danger? These lies isolate us. And if we’re not careful, we’ll find ourselves wondering how we got so far off track.
These lies can sneak into our relationships so subtly that we don’t even notice them at first, mainly because they are shrouded in truth. But here’s the thing: ignoring them won’t make them go away. If anything, it just gives them more room to grow. So consider this your nudge (or maybe a gentle shove) to take a closer look at your marriage (or most intimate relationships), protect what matters, and realign with what love is really about—not the rom-com version, but the messy, life giving, difficult, purposeful, rewarding, real-life kind.
To make my point hit home, I wrote a little satire to show how these lies creep into our thoughts. If you’ve ever read C.S. Lewis’s The Screwtape Letters, you’ll probably catch the vibe I was going for. And if you know anything about me, you know I’m a massive fan (and maybe a little obsessed). For those unfamiliar, Screwtape is a senior demon writing to his inexperienced nephew, Wormwood, offering tips on how to tempt their assigned human, “the patient.” It’s equal parts clever, convicting, and uncomfortably insightful. It’s the kind of thing that makes you laugh... and then immediately question all your life choices. Lewis doesn’t pull any punches, and honestly, neither will I in my humble attempt to channel Screwtape.
My Dearest Wormwood,
Have you noticed how much simpler our work has become? Once, we had to tempt, deceive, and twist the patient's heart directly. Now, they do most of the work for us. The culture now sings our song, and they hum along without a second thought. Marriage, once a stronghold of unity and devotion, now crumbles from within, undone by the very people who once vowed to protect it.
Your job, my dear nephew, is not to tear down marriage by force. No, that would only awaken their resistance. Instead, keep feeding them little lies—soft enough to be believed, compelling enough to be followed, shrouded in truth. Make them think these thoughts are their own, or better yet, that these thoughts are enlightened truths. Here are some of the most effective ones:
The Lie of “The Right Person”
Teach them that marriage is about finding the one, the perfect soulmate who will complete them effortlessly. If they ever struggle, whisper that they must have chosen the wrong person. If their love fades, assure them it was never real to begin with. Keep them chasing this non-existent person, you know, the one from Unicornia, and they will never plant their roots deep enough to weather any relational storm.
The Lie of Romantic Sovereignty
Convince them that love is nothing more than a fleeting feeling, an emotion that comes and goes like the weather. Let them believe that if the feeling fades, then love itself is dead. Whisper to them that marriage should always be effortless, and that any hint of struggle or hardship is a sign of failure, a reason to abandon ship. Above all, keep them blind to the truth—that real love is forged in trial, strengthened by commitment, and deepened through sacrifice. Such truths, my dear, are far too dangerous for them to grasp. Keep them chasing the illusion. Keep them shallow.
The Lie of “Personal Growth” Over Commitment
Make sure they view their marriage as a stepping stone, not a covenant. Encourage them to believe that they must put their personal growth above their relationship—always asking, Is this marriage serving me? rather than, How can I serve my marriage? (What a detestable thought) If their spouse does not align perfectly with their evolving desires, which of course is impossible, tell them it is time to move on, to find somebody who can.
The Lie of Unforgiveness
Keep them focused on their spouse’s flaws, never their own. Remind them of every slight, every wound, every disappointment. Let them replay their grievances until bitterness takes root. Tell them that forgiveness is weakness, that grace is undeserved. Make them believe that their pain is justified, in fact it’s a part of what makes them, "them", and of course to let go of this pain would be to lose themselves, and remain unprotected in the world.
The Lie of Hyper-Individualism
Convince them that they don’t need their spouse—that true strength lies in independence and self-sufficiency. Emphasize that marriage should never require dependence or vulnerability. Keep them distant, even while under the same roof—immersed in their phones, their work, and other distractions, but never fully present with one another. Encourage a sense of moral superiority, assuring them they’re on the “right” path. If their spouse doesn’t understand, frame it as the spouse’s failing, reinforcing the idea that they are the one who truly sees what’s best.
The Lie of Endless Options
Convince them that there is always someone better—someone who listens more intently, loves more passionately, understands them in ways their spouse never could. Whisper to them of an ideal, a fantasy partner who will fulfill every longing without flaw or frustration. Keep them comparing their real, imperfect partner to this shimmering mirage, until dissatisfaction poisons their heart.
When discontent begins to fester, let them believe it’s because they settled, that they were meant for something greater, someone else. Suggest that true happiness lies not in the messy, unglamorous work of nurturing what they have, but in abandoning it to start over. Above all, ensure they never pause to see the truth: that their dissatisfaction is not with their partner but within themselves, and that it will shadow them no matter whom they choose. Keep their eyes fixed on the fantasy, and their hearts forever restless.
The Lie of Equality as Rivalry
Turn marriage into a battleground of competition. Convince them that fairness is the ultimate virtue, that keeping score is the only way to measure love and commitment. Make them see their spouse not as a teammate but as an enemy within. If they start to feel they are giving more or sacrificing too much, whisper to them that they are being taken for granted, exploited even. Foster resentment by making every compromise feel like a loss. If their spouse achieves something, make them believe it comes at their own expense. You see, in this game, there are no shared victories—only winners and losers.
The Lie of Being a Burden
Make them see relationships not as a delight, but as an endless obligation—a chain wrapped tightly around their precious autonomy. Convince them that commitment is a chain, a thief of freedom, and far too steep a price to pay for investing in another human soul. Convince them that the effort relationships require yields little reward, that true happiness lies in indulgence and pleasure rather than the laborious nature of love.
If they have families, help them to focus on their quiet resentments, the unacknowledged sacrifices that come from nurturing these burdens. Suggest that their careers, social standing, and personal gratification are far more noble pursuits than the invisible, thankless toil of fostering connection or raising children. Besides, it is those at the office that really respect them, and see who they really are. Let them believe relationships are a drain, not fountains; burdens, not blessings. Turn their gaze inward, until they see others only as obstacles to their own ambitions, in this way they are so much more like our father below.
The Lie of “I Shouldn’t Have to Change”
To stifle any chance of real change, remind the patient that true love, if it exists at all, means being accepted exactly as they are—flaws and all. Not that they have many flaws, of course, just the occasional harmless indulgence in selfishness (which, naturally, they should reframe as self-care). Whisper to them that it’s not a fault to look after oneself—no, it’s a virtue! Encourage them to believe that it is their spouse who must change, who must adjust, who must accommodate. And if the spouse resists? Well, that’s clearly the root of all the conflict in their marriage, isn’t it? Convince the patient that this burden lies squarely on their partner’s shoulders, not theirs. Encourage them to express this with the utmost empathy—it will make them feel wonderfully righteous as they shift all blame onto another.
The Lie of “It’s Just Paper”
One very effective way to undermine the institution of marriage is to convince them that it is nothing more than a legal arrangement, a mere piece of paper, devoid of any sacred significance or lasting weight. Whisper to them that vows are outdated rituals, simple performative gestures with no binding power. Encourage the belief that these so-called commitments are purely conditional, fragile things tied entirely to their ever-changing feelings—feelings, of course, which should reign supreme over any notion of duty or sacrifice. Instill the idea that marriage is temporary, a convenience rather than a covenant. Then, when the inevitable trials come, as they always do, the whole thing will crumble under the weight of their self-interest. There really is nothing more delightful than the slow, steady corrosion of something meant to endure.
The Lie of Unrestricted Sexual Freedom
You see, in this arena we are not all that needed, much of the modern culture you see is already sowing the seeds we planted long ago. But for good measure, be sure to affirm that every desire is a right, that denying oneself is a form of oppression. Whisper that self-control is outdated, a relic of repressive moral chains, and that monogamy is an impossible ideal for creatures so ruled by their appetites, and my goodness do these humans have such appetites. Suggest that attraction is action, that to feel is to do, and anything less is a betrayal of their true selves, and the true self is the most important self. Fill their minds with the fear of missing out—paint their loyalty as wastefulness, their restraint as self-denial, and their devotion as dull. Let them believe that true happiness lies just beyond the boundaries of their promises, waiting to be seized if only they dare to break free. And of course freedom is the highest virtue.
The Lie of Love Without Duty
And so, my dear Wormwood, let us turn our attention to the matter of love, that most dangerous of human delusions. Above all, convince them that true love should demand nothing from them. Whisper in their ears that duty is a heavy chain meant to stifle freedom and that commitment without constant gratification is a relic of a primitive age. Ensure they believe that love, if it is real, should flow effortlessly—requiring no effort, no sacrifice, no endurance. Plant the glorious seed of doubt: if marriage becomes hard, it is surely proof that love has died. And, of course, if love is dead, why should they stay? Let them feel not guilt but entitlement when they walk away.
Now, Wormwood, to the art of departure—what we must call Self-Justified Abandonment. When they stand on the precipice of leaving, arm them with the tools to rewrite their story. Help them craft a narrative where they are the misunderstood, a long-suffering victim, and their spouse the unyielding oppressor. Guide them to magnify petty grievances while silencing the echoes of past joys. Encourage them to harden their hearts to reason and blot out any memory of shared love and promises. If they must leave, see that they do so with a head held high in righteous indignation, utterly convinced they are pursuing their own "happiness." Above all, ensure they feel virtuous in their abandonment, as though breaking their vows were an act of courage rather than betrayal.
Oh, how delightful it is, my dear nephew, when a simple whisper can dissolve the bonds of love and leave behind the sweet chaos of broken lives. Press on, for the Enemy takes great delight in love endured, and it is our task to unravel it wherever we find it. Our greatest victory is not in forcing them apart—but in making them believe they chose it freely. Keep them looking inward. Keep them chasing themselves. And above all, keep them believing that love should never require sacrifice.
Your Affectionate Uncle,
Screwtape
Fighting the Lies
Why do so many marriages fail? It’s rarely sudden. Most often, we allow these whispers to seep in and take hold. The truth is, we all struggle at times to fight these lies. We all feel frustration. We all doubt. And that’s okay. What matters is recognizing these moments and choosing to respond differently.
Be Vigilant: Reflect on the narratives influencing your thoughts about marriage. Recognize when an unhealthy belief is taking root. - Catch the lie
Choose Truth: Don’t passively accept cultural lies. Intentionally choose to prioritize commitment and love. - Reality Test the Lie
Seek Community: Surround yourself with voices that encourage healthy perspectives on marriage—mentors, counselors, or faith-based teachings.
The strongest marriages aren’t the ones without hardship—they are the ones that do the hard work. Growth requires time, grace, and a willingness to confront bitter truths with love.
In Closing
Marriage isn’t perfect because people aren’t perfect. But when two people commit to building their relationship on truth, forgiveness, and selflessness, it creates something resilient. Something beautiful. Something worth fighting for.
Love isn’t easy. It requires sacrifice, patience, and humility. But it’s worth it—because real love, built on truth, endures when all else fails.
If you find yourself struggling, remember this—love that grows through adversity is worth more than fleeting passion. Guard your marriage. Reject the lies. And choose to build, together.
Because as much as the world might say otherwise, love isn’t disposable. It’s sacred.
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