Modern relationships often feel like a jigsaw puzzle missing a piece—or several. We're bombarded with ideas of love as a fiery passion ignited by chance, as something that "shouldn’t be hard," or as a one-time decision symbolized by saying "I do." But what if all those notions miss the point? What if love isn't the result of a grand cosmic force but rather the fruits of deliberate, consistent action?
Aristotle, the father of virtue ethics, approaches love not as a fleeting emotion but as a practice—a steady, intentional effort nurtured over time.His philosophy on love is more relevant today than you might imagine. His teachings challenge us to stop seeing love as something that "just happens" and start building it like a craftsman with a chisel and stone.
The big question is, are we willing to do the work?
What Marriage Teaches Us About Virtue
Aristotle believed that virtue is neither something we inherit by chance nor a quality we stumble upon accidentally—it is a trait we actively cultivate through consistent and deliberate action. He famously stated, “These virtues are formed in man by his doing the actions,” emphasizing that our habits and choices shape who we become. Love, much like courage, wisdom, or any other virtue, is no exception to this principle. It requires ongoing effort, practice, and intentionality to grow and flourish, transforming it from a fleeting feeling into a deeply rooted and enduring part of our character.
Picture a newlywed couple basking in the glow of fresh romance. They write heartfelt letters, coordinate surprise date nights, and revel in imagining their future together. But scroll forward a few years. The thrill wanes, date nights become routine (or nonexistent), and the stress of daily life begins to overshadow those handwritten notes. What happened? It wasn’t the lack of love but the loss of consistent practice—they stopped treating love as a habit, and it atrophied as a result.
Love is work. It’s not always glamorous, Instagram-worthy, or convenient. Yet, when approached with patience and intention, it's incredibly rewarding.
Eudaimonia and Flourishing Together
If you’ve dabbled in Aristotle before, you probably recognize the term eudaimonia. Often translated as “flourishing,” eudaimonia is the ultimate goal of human life, and it isn’t about fleeting happiness but about deep, meaningful fulfillment. It's the kind of life that feels whole. Within a marriage, eudaimonia isn’t found in flashy declarations of love, but in the small, consistent moments of generosity, humility, and patience.
Now, this isn’t to dismiss those grand romantic gestures. They’re beautiful and meaningful in their way. But much like a house, love can’t stand on a foundation of sparklers and fireworks. What keeps it steady are the bricks—small, everyday actions like making a cup of coffee when your partner's tired, choosing to listen patiently instead of reacting out of frustration, or offering support when they don’t ask for it. These little things compound, shaping both the relationship and the individuals within it. Over time, they create not just a successful marriage but a shared life in pursuit of eudaimonia.
The Trap of Minimal Effort
Here’s the human tendency that Aristotle might shake his head over: We do the work early on—showing love, making sacrifices, paying attention—but then assume we can kick our feet up once we’ve sealed the deal. After all, saying “I do” should carry us indefinitely, right? Wrong.
Aristotle warns us that “It is easy to perform a single good action, but not easy to acquire a settled habit of performing such actions.” It’s this "settled habit" that separates fleeting infatuation from lasting love. The truth? Love fades in the absence of effort. It’s like a plant—water it regularly, and it grows; ignore it, and it withers.
Many couples fall into this trap. They misinterpret the settling of passion as the death of love, instead of realizing it’s an invitation to build something deeper. Love, when cultivated intentionally, grows into something steadier, stronger, and far more enriching than those heady early weeks.
Cultivating Love Through Repetition
Repetition is the secret sauce of any strong relationship. According to Aristotle, we become excellent by consistently acting in excellent ways. And honestly, this makes sense. If you want to stay fit, you don’t work out once and call it a lifetime achievement. You go to the gym multiple times a week. Love is no different—it thrives when you prioritize small, consistent actions.
Consider these habits as a blueprint to strengthen your relationship:
Real Conversations
Set aside time every day (even 10 minutes) for meaningful dialogue. Not about errands, schedules, or who forgot to replace the toilet paper—just talk. Listen. Engage with each other’s highs and lows.
Practice Patience
When your partner’s late for the third time or says something irritating, take a breath. Write "self-control" on a sticky note if you have to. Respond with grace instead of letting frustration take the wheel.
Acts of Service
Maybe it’s brewing their favorite tea. Taking out the trash unprompted. Making sure their phone is charging when they fall asleep. They're small, yes, but they layer into a foundation of trust and care.
Express Appreciation
"Thanks for introducing me to that show I ended up loving." "I noticed you handled that tough conversation at work so well." Words of affirmation seem minor, but they create ripples of reassurance.
Share Adventures
Whether it’s taking an evening walk, trying a new recipe, or tackling your bucket list, keep exploring the world together. Novel experiences build shared memories and deepen your connection.
The beauty of these habits is their simplicity. None require grand gestures or expensive plans—just intention, repeated over time.
Love is a Daily Choice
We often think, “Shouldn’t love just feel effortless?” But rarely do effortless things have lasting worth. Aristotle cuts through that illusion, reminding us that anything meaningful—love, knowledge, virtue—demands effort.
“The energy of the mind is the essence of life,” he once said. Perhaps we can apply that wisdom here. Love isn’t just a sentiment to feel; it’s a practice to live, a muscle to train, and a choice to make—even on the days when it feels annoyingly hard.
If marriage is a shared pursuit, then each day is an opportunity to say “yes” to the work it demands. Not begrudgingly, but with the joy that comes from knowing you’re building something extraordinary.
What Aristotle Leaves Us
Aristotle may not have been a marriage counselor, but his philosophy is clear—lasting love doesn’t rest on instinct alone. It’s built through patience, virtue, and repetition. No matter how skilled you are at dramatic proposals or anniversary gifts, it's insignificant if you overlook the everyday "I love yous" expressed through actions, not just words.
The question isn’t whether your marriage will require effort—it will. The real question is whether you believe the effort is worth it. Are you willing to commit to love not just with your heart, but with your habits? If you are, you’ll find that love isn’t just something you feel—it’s something you become.
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