Here’s the truth that no romantic movie or social media highlight reel teaches —relationships thrive not on grand gestures, but in the subtle, fleeting moments of connection. It’s in the way you respond to a sigh, a glance, a casual comment. These microscopic interactions, what Dr. John Gottman calls “bids for connection,” are the foundation of intimacy.
But, if you’re anything like the rest of us fumbling through life, you’ve probably felt the sting of a moment gone sideways. One misplaced assumption, eye roll, or poorly phrased question, and voilà—a rift appears where a connection could have been. The good news? Strengthening your relationship starts with two skills anyone can develop—asking better questions and offering more generous assumptions.
The Silent Saboteur: Assumptions
Assumptions are like that outdated GPS we’ve all used at some point. They feel trustworthy—until you’re driving into a dead end, wondering how you got so off course.
Imagine this:
Your partner walks in the door after a long day and exhales a deep sigh. Without thinking, your mind jumps to a conclusion:
"They’re mad I didn’t clean the kitchen."
Feeling defensive, you snap, “I had a long day too, you know!”
But what if their sigh had nothing to do with you? What if it was about work stress or just sheer relief at being home? That knee-jerk assumption didn’t just derail a moment; it created distance.
I hate to break it to you, but assumptions aren’t about your partner. They’re often about YOU—your insecurities, your past baggage, your inner dialogue. Assumptions hack into your brain, twist reality, and replace what’s in front of you with your fears. The result? You end up fighting battles that don’t even exist.
7 Ways Assumptions Show Up in a Relationship
The Mind Reader Trap: This is where you believe you have magical powers and know what your partner is thinking without asking them.
The Jumping to Conclusions Game: In this game, you make assumptions about the meaning behind your partner’s words or actions, you do not clarify with them, and you win because you are right every time.
Tone Misinterpretation: In this scenario, you assign an emotion to your partner’s tone without checking in with them, because you believe you are a tone interpreter and conclusively correct.
Past Projection: This is where you project your past experiences onto your current relationship and assume everything is obviously always the same and will never ever change.
Projected Fears: When you project your own fears onto your partner without giving them a chance to explain themselves because everything is exactly as scary as you believe it to be.
Insecurities Amplified: Where your mind takes a small trigger and blows it up into a dramatic scenario, thus helping you doubt the intentions of your partner, and believing only your insecurities because they are always right.
The All-Or-Nothing Loop: This is where you take one negative interaction and assume that it represents their entire character, leading to resentment, distance, and the total destruction of the relationship. But what the hell, YOU are obviously right, and that is more important.
A couple of questions to ask yourself as you fight your destructive assumptions
“What am I assuming right now?”
“Could there be another explanation?”
“Wait… do I believe I have magical powers that allow me to read minds?”
“What evidence do I have to support this assumption?”
“How would I feel if someone assumed this about me?”
“What’s the worst-case scenario, and how likely is it to happen?”
It’s humbling—and sometimes hilarious—to realize how often we operate on autopilot, mistaking our assumptions for facts.
Ask Better Questions
If assumptions are blindfolds, questions are flashlights. They illuminate what’s really happening. But not all questions are created equal.
A loaded or accusatory question ("Why are you mad at me?") can close doors faster than they were opened. But a question rooted in curiosity and kindness? That’s a bridge to understanding.
Here are some examples:
Accusation: “Why do you always criticize me?”
Upgrade: “Help me understand what you meant by that.”
Defensive: “Why are you upset with me again?”
Upgrade: “You seem upset—what’s going on?”
Gentle curiosity doesn’t just diffuse tension; it invites honesty, and maybe connection. And when your partner shares their thoughts? Stay curious, not defensive.
“I noticed you sighed when you came home. What’s on your mind?”
“You seemed quieter than usual at dinner—how were you feeling?”
Curiosity isn’t about proving a point or fixing someone. It’s about showing your partner that, when they reach out, you’ll meet them halfway.
The Power of Validation
Sometimes, your partner just needs to be seen, not dissected. Validation—acknowledging their experience—is like wrapping them in a warm blanket on a cold day. It doesn’t mean you have to agree; it simply shows that you respect and acknowledge their feelings.
Try phrases like:
“I understand why that upset you.”
“That makes sense—I’d feel the same way too.”
But remember, validation doesn’t mean enabling or neglecting your own emotions. It’s about balancing understanding with healthy boundaries.
Practice Generous Assumptions
If questions are the backbone of connection, generous assumptions are the heart. This means, that regardless of tone or circumstance, you choose to believe the best about your partner.
Generous assumptions sound like: (remember these are internal thoughts)
"The quiet tone isn’t anger—it’s self-reflection or tiredness."
"That short text isn’t apathy—it’s a busy day."
"The sigh isn’t frustration with me—it’s relief at being home."
"Maybe they are reacting because they don't know what else to do, or they're overwhelmed"
When you choose empathy over suspicion, you create a space where your partner feels safe to show up authentically, imperfections and all. However, be wary of Toxic empathy as this can set you up to enable bad behavior in the name of compassion and understanding.
Building Connection, One Moment at a Time
Remember the partner who came home and sighed? Here’s how that moment could go differently:
What went wrong: “I had a long day too, you know!”
What could go right: “That sounded like a big sigh—what’s on your mind?”
Your partner might reply, “I’m just so relieved to be home after a stressful day.” You could then offer, “I’m glad you’re home too. Want to talk about it or just relax?”
That’s the power of asking better questions and making generous assumptions. You turn a potential argument into a moment of intimacy.
The Bottom Line:
"Do I want to be right, or do I want a relationship?"
For most of us, life feels like guesswork—we’re just trying to find our footing as we stumble forward. But in love, every misstep is an opportunity to build a better foundation. Next time your partner’s behavior triggers a strong reaction in you, pause. Ask, “What am I assuming? What does this really mean?” Then meet them with curiosity and generosity.
Because connection isn’t built on perfection, it is built on the willingness to see, ask, and love with intention. And in the words of a wise builder, love thrives best when the foundation is solid rock.
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