When people first hear that I played Division I college volleyball, their initial response usually consists of excitement and an assumption that my experience had to be a great one. It’s college volleyball, right?! What they don’t expect is the tears, pain, and intense anxiety that came alongside playing the sport I loved.
Volleyball had always been a huge part of my life from the early age of 6 and a way for me to connect with my family. Both of my older sisters played competitive volleyball and during the early years of my sport, my father coached me. I WAS going to play college volleyball at a TOP 20 program. This wasn’t just a dream, but an expectation that I would play collegiate volleyball at one of the top programs in the nation. After years of investing in club volleyball, my expectation of playing college ball came to life as I accepted a full-ride scholarship to play at a mid-major university. I know what you’re thinking…Full ride! How could this have not been a great experience?
One of the first humbling experiences of my career was the fact that I wasn’t offered a position to play for a top program. What did this mean about me? Was I not as talented as I thought I was? Should I be embarrassed about where I was playing when my club teammates were playing at top programs like Tennessee, Wichita St, Colorado? My second humbling experience occurred my freshman year when I was not the starting Libero and only played half the time as a Defensive Specialist. I had spent my entire volleyball career being an impactful starter. What was happening?
I managed to get through my Freshman and Sophomore year with the only issue being how to deal with upperclassman that didn’t want me to play (as I was on the court as an underclassman while their peer was on the bench). But an intense shift in my career occurred during my Junior year. The Libero had graduated and I was in line for that position; however, there was a talented incoming freshman that was also capable of earning that position. My position. After a gruesome pre-season of competing and battling it out for that position, the position was mine. I was the starting Libero.
What could possibly be worse than not being the Libero?...Fear of losing the Libero position. My Junior season was easily the hardest year of my life filled with immobilizing anxiety, fear, and doubt. Although I experienced internal turmoil, I managed to keep my Libero position (even though at times I played the worse volleyball in my entire career!). Additionally, I wouldn’t let any of my teammates or coaches know about my fear as I was concerned I would be judged and not trusted as a reliable player. Come the off- season, I was ready to walk away from volleyball. The pain was no longer worth the reward. However, before throwing in the towel, I decided to be honest with my assistant coach and during a private meeting, I disclosed everything! Didn’t hold anything back. She was shocked to hear about how greatly I had been struggling and the depth of my anxiety, fear, and doubt due to my impressive ability to suppress these feelings from the outside world.
That experience was very freeing. I was finally honest and vulnerable and as a result, the power fear had over me was slowly broken down. I ended up staying and finishing my final season as a college athlete. This was not an easy experience but completely worth the growth and insight I gained through the journey. Personally, I learned that my identity was not as an athlete but as a child of Christ. My worth was not wrapped in what college I played for, if I was a starter or sat the bench, or how many records I broke (or didn’t break). My worth, and your worth, was determined when our Heavenly Father made the ultimate sacrifice. When I finally acknowledged my true worth, the peace that came with it was unimaginable. I would be ok if my teammate was the Libero; God still loved me. I would still have value in this life. The result of the peace and assurance I received from my “new” identity also greatly benefitted my athletic performance. I continued to compete for the Libero position on a daily basis but remained the Libero for my entire Senior year. Additionally, my team made history as we were the first team in the University's’ history to win a Division I Conference Championship and compete in the NCAA tournament.
For not the challenges and trials that I faced during those 4 years, I would not have transformed emotionally or spiritually to the depth that I did. However, I could have taken a completely different path if it were not for the leap of faith I took by being raw and vulnerable with another. Growth is not an easy experience. It is through the fire that we become refined and molded into the individuals that God has created us to be. Without trials, could there be growth? What trial are you facing today? How will you let it define you?